Bismillah

I am starting over. But I’ve been struggling with the thought of being a haafidh. I memorized the first 5 juz over ten years ago. That was before I had children. I thought it was difficult but doable. After the birth of my first child it became nearly impossible to find time to do anything. Trying to memorize Quran on top of that was beyond me for several years.

In late fall 2019, before the world was watching Corona Virus, I was sitting on the small balcony of a rented vacation home ( a gift from family) thinking about my time in this world and being honest with myself about what I wanted to accomplish before leaving it. This was different however than what I believed I could accomplish, as by this time I had given up hope of being a preserver of Allah’s word. 

As I looked out over the calm peaceful water 💦, saw fish jumping up every now and then, I could feel something stir within me that I could not then put into words. Allah made all of this and he made me. There is nothing He cannot do. If Allah wants me to memorize Quran than I will memorize Quran. If Allah wants good for me nothing in the planets, in the earth or on the land can stop that. So I sat there. I closed my eyes and I sincerely asked Allah to make me memorize quran. I asked Him to put me in a position where I would be forced to do it. 

Slowly over the next 2 years Allah did just that. It was so subtle I could hardly recognize it was happening. It started slow I would get inspired to read a bit after fajr. And I would read. But instead of trying to read a whole lot like I used to do, I began to practice the hadith “a small consistent good action is more beloved to Allah than a big inconsistent good deed.” Allah gave me success. I was able to consistently read 2 pages a day for 6 months. Then Allah blessed me to increase it to 4 pages. 

Then I started memorizing again picking up where I left off at sura Al-Maaidah.  I started with half a page a week, a line a day. It was hard. It took everything in me and I felt like my children were being made to suffer from what I was trying to accomplish. It didn’t seem fair to them. I pushed through all those negative feelings however and kept going. The house was a wreck. I had to. I’d take a day off deals and cook like mad. I had to. I kept going. I had to prove to myself that there was no excuse that was going to turn me Away from the word of God! I had to follow that small secret inner voice that kept telling me just one more line just one more page just one more day. “Allah sees you.” It said to me. Allah sees me I said to myself.

One day I was struggling. I had a newborn (3/4 months old) I had to make dinner my spouse was traveling and there was no one there to aid me. No one but Allah. And Allah came to my aid. Nothing spectacular happened. Allah simply expanded me. Allah increased my capacity. My mind focused through all the noise. I nursed the baby put her on my back made dinner bathed my children all while listening to my Quran. Allah made it happen.

Then I heard it. My 1-year-old was running in and out of the kitchen babbling in Quranic tones I could even hear some words being recited. It warmed my heart so much. It gave me such peace. It gave me just enough comfort to believe that I was on the right track. Allah is subtle. 

I finished Maaidah and An’aam in this chaos. But then I stagnated the weight of the world was pressing in on me. It felt too much to bear. Then the answer came. “Start over.” Master Yoda said. So I did.

August 15 2021 I decide that I was ready to go after Quran memorization with all of my being. With six children. With a husband. With a house to run. With a sewing business I am trying to start. And a whole lot of other withs as well… I have committed myself to going after whatever Allah has for me. Because its not me who’s doing it. It’s Allah. I am just showing up. And I’ve been showing up. And I’m almost at 2 juz.

 Bismillah As Salaamu Alaikum

In Aya 93 we talked about the death process of those who are the worst people. Now is ayaat 94 and we begin with:

“And now you have come to us...” This is about the people who died in the previous ayah. They are now standing before Allah, “Alone as we created you the first time.”

Khawwalna: To give someone something to take care of 

Allah gives us life in this world so that we can take care of what we are supposed to take care of, build and grow. We are to use all the tool and circumstances Allah creates to get closer to Him. Not so that we deluded ourselves by the life of this world. Or that we feel we have power over Allah. No intercession will they find and no helper. They will be naked and afraid in front of the Lord of the worlds.

“Everything has been ripped up between you.” Every idea that connected people together everything that connects materially, familially, socially, all of it will be shredded. Whatever the relationship that ties us together in this world is it will be ripped up. And the Qiraat difference here means either the people will disassociate themselves or what was between them will be disassociated. Even those who want to look for helpers in this moment of severe need there won’t be one.

Except for those of Taqwa. 

“And the things that you used to claim have left you in the lurch.” And now the time has come that you must answer for what you did. 

Allah Allah.

 Bismillah, As Salaamu Alaikum

As I took notes for my Tafseer class this morning, I was struck by the feeling of inadequacy. I began with the following words:

Qadara: to determine the capability of something. To be the way it is proportioned to be. We guesstimate what others can and cannot do. But Allah actually knows. So when we look at actions in the past we should know that Allah is the One who wills all things.

Then what is it that I still doubt in the reality of the Quran? Anaam ayah 91 is all that we covered today. Boy is the Qur’an rich. In sura Fatihah Allah teaches us how to praise Him. He gives us the words because He knows our minds, which He has created, cannot “due” Him justice. So He guides us to what He knows we need. Our doubt of that guidance and light is, in itself, a belief that Allah has limits that are based on what we believe. The notes continue:

“And they don’t give Allah His due proportion.” “They say that Allah did not reveal anything to a human being.” They limit what Allah can do with their disbelief. “But who revealed the book to Musa. A light and a guide.” Nur is the light we need to see by and guidance is showing us how to reach our destination.

We need to see and we need a map in order to reach our goals. What did the people who received the guidance before us do with it?

 “They made it into a loosely bound book revealing some of it and hiding a lot of it.” How was it hidden? They would delete certain portions or physically cover some portions. Or they changed the words altogether. This book “taught them things they didnt know and things their fathers didn’t know.”

Yet still those who know Allah revealed truth to human beings before claim that Allah cant or wont reveal truth to Muhammad. So what left but to 

“Leave them plunging in their games.”

For some games leave the players stranded on the field.

 Bismillah 

Al-An’aam 80-81

Have you ever thought of the moment that Ibrahim (A) became the miracle. His faith was strong enough to see pain and know that Allah would grant him safety. I definitely need me some of that. Faith is a funny thing. It rises and falls like the tides, always churning. The story of Ibrahim makes me wonder how certainty feels. How does it feel to have no doubt. I can only imagine that it comes as a slow steady sweetness filling ones breast with light. I would like certainty.

Ibrahim (a) was shown the malakoot of the heavens and the earth so when he says to the disbelievers that he is not afraid of their gods and they can do nothing to him (Ibrahim) except what Allah wills. He has full confidence that not only is he correct but that Allah has his back, front, sides, upper and lower. I sigh deeply as my heart extends itself outward to feel that grace. 

(Wasi’a Rabbi Kulla shayy) And my Lord has knowledge of all things. Will you not then recollect?

Ibrahim (A) is calling upon his people to think about the reality of existence in this world. All the prophets come with a clear message and when their people are destroyed the traces of that destruction are seen in the lands. Ibrahim (A) is calling on his people to remember this fact. But they have no shame in front of the one who causes the sun to rise in the east.

How do we turn away from God while we know? Then we call on Him when we are afraid. It is as if those who disbelieve are unwilling to relinquish the belief that they control their fate, even though everyone knows that we have no control over when we die. 

(Ilm takleed thaun wahm shak jalh) Just thought I’d play with your mind a little.