Moving on is Hard

 Bismillah

As Salaamu alaikum

the past few weeks I assigned myself the task of completing the recitation of Baqara in my home every 3 days at least. When Baqara is recited in the home the devils leave for three days. 

Immediately after I finish reciting it, every single time, I can feel the house purify. My children are less agitated. My mind becomes clear. And the quality of my thoughts change. This week I read Baqara Monday. Then I forgot to read it after that and three days passed. 

It was subtle, the return of tue devils to my home. It felt like a cloud rolled in and worry began to furrow my brow. Thing is I wouldn’t even have noticed a difference if I hadn’t been reciting Baqara so often so many weeks. I thank Allah for granting me that opening. I thank Allah for allowing me to be a means of protection for my children. Alhamdulillah!

Milestones

 Bismillah 

Assalaamu alaikum,

Year 4, Day 678 (yes I just made that up)

I keep telling myself what to do and then not doing it. It took nearly 17 years (not making that up) for me to finally know what it takes to attain to Quran. It takes heart and courage. It takes obsession. It takes unforgiving, unrelenting marching and return. It takes sweat, tears and sadness. But first of all and most of all it takes humility and taubah. 

I cannot do this except… with Allah’s gracious mercy. How kind is Allah! 

When I first learned that the person who memorizes Quran goes to Jannah I was thrilled and wanted to give it a try. And when I learned that that person gets to take 70 others with them I was elated and floored at the same time. Memorizing Quran is the first thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up. And just this year I finally figured out exactly what its going got take to get there. 

So here it is. I’ll tell you. Maybe you can get there before me. 

Number one start with taubah repentance. Start with humility. Allah knows every secret in every corner of my soul and yours. And yet He still gives us eyes that see and ears that hear. Once I began to make taubah every day I started to see my sins. Don’t stop! And don’t be afraid Blackseed. Allah already knew my sins and He knows your sins. He is showing them to us in this world so we don’t have to deal with them on the day of judgement. So stay humble. 

Number 2. Be realistic. I am not going to memorize the entire Quran in 6 months or 2 years. Stop making unrealistic goals and stop taking self defeating measures. Make a plan that is sensible and that you think you can stick to day after day with only 1 day off weekly and Eid holidays. Then cut that plan in half. This is the starting point. 

Number three Start every day fresh and don’t cry about the past. I cannot go back to the time that I first began writing this blog and make myself have completed memorization. Reality doesn’t work that way. And it's not supposed to. You have to fail enough times that you give up. Then you have to pick yourself up enough times that it becomes a cliche, a joke. Until you… until I reached the point where quitting is no longer part of my vocabulary. Indeed! One must reach the point where failure no longer exists. There are simply days where Allah blessed me to do more work or days where Allah blessed me to get more rest. Period!

And finally one must rely on Allah the way the prophets did. They are the ones who understood the secret that most of us don’t perceive. Allah is orchestrating all of this. Every moment, of every second, of every breath, of every day is all being done by Allah. Will we not then be grateful. Will we not then relax? Will I not then leave my worry behind me?    

Now that I know these truths I have only to write my plan and execute.

I know I can memorize a page a day. So I will memorize half a page per day. 

Wake up and make taubah or 100 istighfar followed by at least 11 salawaat. Then read my half page 100 times. Then Revise Baqara

The second round of the day I memorize my half page then revise juz 28 thru 30. And thats all folks.  That’s all. 

 Bismillah

As Salaamu alaikum, 

When I started this process I had no idea what in the world I was doing. It has taken four and a half years but I am finally getting the hang of it. Sing a song of Praise for Allah. I had no idea the stamina it would take to read even 1 juz consistently every single day. An now I find that I need to read 3 and I have to memorize my lines. And I have to revise the most recent hizb I memorized at least 4 times which is in effect reading another 2-3 ajzaa’. So really I read 6 juz a day.) And that has to be done just to maintain 5 juz. The aim is 30. 

But here’s the thing. Here’s the secret 🤫. So please don’t spread it too far. When the intention is sincere all a person has to do is show up. Really and truly. Showing up is all that is required. Allah takes care of the rest. I find that my greatest struggle is just being where I need to be at the time I need to be there and starting my process. Once I begin Allah takes over. I am instantaneously amazed at the progress I make. Making the decision to get there… that has been hard. And it has been a source of pain deep in my spirit.

I want  Quran and I need Quran. But what if I neglect my children or family and Allah becomes angry with me? (That excuse barely makes sense.) Or what if I can’t really do it and I give up and fail in front of my kids. (That excuse for not showing up makes even less sense.) Nevertheless… It still is a source of worry.

Anyway This week I will do something different. I will not think. I will tell myself what to do and simply execute!. 

1. Don’t complain. Yes it’s awful that my potty trained daughter peed on the floor because she didn't feel like going to the bathroom. But so what. If I reach old age and end up peeing on floors and crying about, she can clean it up. Bwahahahahaa.

2. Put Quran first. The first to do. The only to do every Quran workday is Quran. Allah has already taken care of the rest. 

3. Suck It Up. I am not the most hurt person in the world. Whatever the hardship, problem, pain, heartache, etc. someone else will always win the who suffers the most contest. So stop trying to compete. Suck it up and do the work.

4. Always tell yourself something good. It takes guts to memorize quran. I have guts. I have heart.  

 Bismillah,

I feel like a crazy person. I feel like a crazy person spinning on a wheel getting nowhere. I feel like a crazy person spinning on a wheel getting nowhere fast giving up on my dreams only to realize that i have to keep going. Then I collapse from sheer exhaustion.

Every morning I wake up and have to tell myself, remind myself what it is that I am doing. Okay so it’s not really that dramatic. But sometimes I do get so exhausted that I forget the point of working so hard for a goal. And I just want to sleep for a week. In this case the goal is so far away that it isn’t really about the goal. No. It’s about the transformation along the way. And I have a ways to go. 

I remember Master Yoda telling me an aya once. It went something like…”Quran is a healing for everything in the breast.” It never occurred to me that that might mean that everything ailment in my soul is going to be brought out and released if I really try to memorize Quran. Or that I would be forced to learn and grow if I want to even have a chance at attaining my goal.

That has been the hardest part for me. It is the discovery that I am not as great as I think I am. I have more flaws than I may ever know. And at the same time, nor am I as terrible as Satan whispers to me that I am. And with consistent taubah all of my sins will be continually washed away. I am water being filtered through Quran. And the process right now is slow. And Allahu Akbar it is also steady. 

 

 Bismilllah

As Salaamu alaikum,

Im almost there I have almost completed the 29th juz. Ten lines to memorize and I’m done. So I’m typing this to give my self a pep talk because there are so many things I need to do that i would rather just lay in bed and go to sleep on top of the mountain of laundry I need to fold. But no! Not today. Today I will sit and read my quran for an hour before i do anything else. I will eat my vegetables and enjoy them. 

Settling into the Rhythm of Qur’an

 Bismillah,

Assalaamu alaikum

SubhaanAllah there are moments while memorizing Quran where I lose myself in the words and… and just allow myself to feel the rhythm of the letters. As I journey farther into the book I find that the ayaat are completely foreign to my mind and spirit.

As I try to etch the words on my heart I feel as though I am writing circles on water, quicksand, dough, then wet cement. When I reach this point I just have to keep it fresh revising and reciting it everyday until it solidifies  on my heart.  But how long will that take?

I used to think that memorizing Quran would get easier once I was able to be consistent. But that isn’t the case (yet?). The more I chase after it the more it seems to disappear. It evades my grasp leaving me to wonder if I am doing something wrong. Then the ayaat begin to overlap and I time warp from one sura to another, connecting different meanings and getting lost in the sounds. 

Then I smile. Then I turn and grin. Allah is with me and this is my path. This journey is the medicine that I need in my heart. This is the healing I’ve been looking for. Quran is a cure for everything in the breast. Sometimes I guess I need to take my medicine slowly.

Sura Nuh

“Surely we sent Nuh to his people to warn them before a painful punishment came.”

 It took me a while to memorize this sura. There were a lot of personal lessons I had to learn in order to finish it. I had to learn, again, how important it is to sleep. I had to learn how valuable quiet moments are. And Allah also caused me to remember what a blessing it is to be in good health. Master Yoda and the children were all sick. Or rather they are all sick. They dropped like flies one after the other. And they are enjoying the blessings of delicious cough drops. 

Sickness is beyond our control. We can take all the medicines and wear the masks but what is coming for a person won’t miss him or her. And what was coming to the disobedient people of Noah only missed a few of them. It missed the few who chose to believe.

Allah sends us messages through the messengers because He loves us. He wants to give us the choice and the chance to turn to Him alone. Sura Nuh is the story of a people who were the first to commit the worst sin in history. Their sin was idolatry. In my discussions with Master Yoda about this sura, ( he has done comparative christian research on Nuh/Noah peace be upon him) he mentioned so many pieces of the story that are left out or misconstrued in the Bible. 

So here are some quick facts, for anyone reading, just to have the Quranic story straight,

1. Noah was sent to his people by Allah/God to warn the people and protect them from a painful punishment.
2. He counseled them to worship Allah, to fear Allah, and to obey him.
3. He delivered the message for 950 years.
4. He preached out loud/openly, in secret/privately, day and night.
5. He told them of the rewards of Allah and that Allah would bless and increase them in wealth and children, and give them lush gardens and flowing rivers.
6. He delivered the message to the point that his people put their fingers in their ears and wrapped  themselves in their clothing to avoid him.
7. After 950 years of seeing generation after generation led astray He prayed to Allah that these people would be removed from the earth because of their sins and the fact that they only gave birth to sinning criminals.

I can’t imagine the dedication it must have taken to deliver the message to people who didn’t even want to hear it for 950 years. Perhaps I can have a little more courage in doing the things that I find difficult.

What I’m Aiming For

 Bismillah

As Salaamu alaikum,

I open my eyes at 3 am and stand up. I lift my hands to the sky and stretch as I say my morning du’a /prayers. This is my time with Allah. I turn on the shower then use the toilet super fast. I shower then rub myself down in essential oils blended with argon, grape seed, and olive oil. I brushed my teeth and hair in the shower so now I am almost ready. I dress in the outfit I picked out the night before and add earrings a necklace and shimmery lipgloss. I put a thin layer of Kohl in my eyes. I am ready to be embraced by my Lord. This is my time. This is when I lay my burdens down and lose all sight and concern for self. I go to my special place and stand before my Lord. My nurturing and loving Allah. Here I am Lord engulf me in your spirit. Memorizing Quran is tough. Please help me eat through one more day.

Then I sit open my mushaf and memorize. Then I revise with a friend from 4:30-5. Quran class is 5-5:20 am Mon-Thur. My 2 year old wakes up around the start of class or right before. She sits in my lap and makes faces at the camera as I try to concentrate hard enough to remember yesterdays lesson despite the antics and giggles of a 2-year-old. 

After class I make my next post for this blog then I teach a 1-1 tajweed lesson. Its rewarding to help another sister get closer to quran. I begin to feel the rush tugging at me and I start ticking my body moving my shoulders up and down getting ready for the morning rush its going to be wild today but the time will pass and I will succeed. 

6:15

Ready. Set. Go!

Two sunnah rakats then FAjr salat. Complete with dhikr.

Alarm goes off I grab my phone turn off the alarm and turn on zoom for my daughter/son to have her/his Quran lesson. The child i s set I go and put a load in the washing machine. Then I make breakfast we eat at 7 and I want to be able to go to the Kroc center today. So I pack a snack bag for three because who even know who will have to come with me.

Its 6:47 why is the time passing so quickly. Time for morning Awrad. I hop on the stationary bike with my 📿 rosary in hand. I Imagine I am riding through a field of wildflowers glorifying my Lord all the time. Done. I hop off the bike. Its already 7. Anyone who isn’t awake I wake them now inticing Them with the promise of a warm meal ready to go. I put on my headphone And turn on whatever sura I am working on. Time to revise. I take the two littles. Dress them. 2 minutes if the clothes are ready 4 minutes if the clothes aren’t ready. Wash their faces and hands. Then sit them down to eat. —— How did you manage to get food in your hair dearest and food down your back. I change one or both of their clothing again. 

7:40 

MAn Im late! Time warp. I go to the family room barking orders at tiny people the whole way. Do this. Don’t do that. Im gonna get you later! Giggles and litter pattering feet seem to echo all around me. I love it. 💕 In the family room I give my sone his lesson then make sure my oldest is revising her Quran. I stop moving long enough to take three deep breaths and slow my heart. The sound of Husary plays the headphones and reaches into my spirit. I can do this. My som has his lessons now I can go I drop the kids and school and talk myself out of going to the Gym. I want a nap

9am I take a nap

To be continued…    

 Bismillah

As Salaamu alaikum,

Hello self. Good morning! Will you please be good today?

Often, in the midst of a memorization session, I will receive a thought so compelling that it stops me in my tracks. And I have to stop and figure out where I am and what I’m doing. I have to look down at the page of Quran to remember what I was doing and that I need to continue. When that happens I know that I am on the cusp of a breakthrough and Shaitan is doing everything he can to stop my success. 

Alhamdulillah. All praise is for He who originates the souls and has given us beautiful forms. We stand upright and our hearts face one another. 

There is a sweetness in the rhythmic remembrance of Allah. The recitation of Quran doesn’t always come easy. But there is a certain point at which you cross a boundary. An internal spiritual boundary, that allows one to begin to access intimacy with Allah. It’s a different type of experience. Once one has gotten beyond a certain degree of pain and hardship in recitation and has submitted ones will to Allah completely something simply happens. 

I’ve heard it described as flow in some circles. Time seems to slow or to speed up and there is no separation between the self and the words. Focus is complete and concentration is whole. At the times I have reached this state everything else blurs into a dull background. Suddenly I’ll hear someone from a distance say, “It’s time to pray.” Or I’ll feel a need tug at me. When that happens I feel as if I’m waking from a dream. And as the Quran and I separate I begin to notice myself again. My limbs are heavy. I feel hunger. Sometime, if I’ve been sitting unchanged for over an hour, sharp stings of pain will shoot down and up my legs as they awaken. My body will often feel extremely tired but there is also something more. A deep relief and blessed taste swirls around in my spirit. I can barely enjoy it before it fades and I go back to being an ordinary person. But for the smallest glimpse of time I feel as if I had walked in heaven and I cannot wait to return.

 Bismillah

Assalaamu alaikum

It is difficult to memorize Quran with small children who cannot feed, dress, or clean themselves. And that difficulty is multiplied when we are ill or when I or master Yoda have to travel. It can feel overwhelming to even attempt to accomplish something so big as memorizing the Quran by heart. And sometimes thinking about it slows my memorization down to a crawl. So I sigh and I smile. Because in the difficult moments, trying to hold onto Quran reminds me that Allah is with me. And when Allah is with a person there is no failing. There is simply decree. 

What I mean by that is that there are times we need to rest. So we should rest. There are times we need to unwind. So we should unwind, and there are times we need to worship and work. So we should worship and work. Being able to decide what to do at the exact time that you need is a definition of discipline. Having to memorize the same half page over and over day after day for hours is not failing. It is simply decree. There are times when Allah slows us down so we can stop, assess, and make changes to our routine. I no longer fear that I am going to give up trying to memorize. However I often feel like giving up. But I choose to do what I think is right no matter what I feel. And when I stand before Allah on judgement day I want the quran there by my side as a witness for me. Reality gives me strength.

 Bismillah

As salaamu alaikum,

I am feeling grateful today for the struggle of going after something I love and need. I have moved from memorizing from the front of the mushaf, where I made it to the end of An’aam, to memorizing from the back of the Quran. I am memorizing with my children that way so I can help them along and we can revise together. And so I can learn and teach humility. They are ahead of me and they have such happy looks of ernest joy when I ask them to test me on a page they already know. 

It was the right decision to memorize with them and I am grateful Allah inspired that idea in me. Then came Sura Jinn. OMG! I thought I had it going on but sura Jinn is a beast. Trying t memorize it, I feel like I am galloping toward it on a strong steed. I lasso it and catch it. Then it vanishes into thin air with an eerie laugh that echos in my mind. Is it inna, innahu, lamma, dhaunna. Hahahahahaaa. 

I am learning a lesson here in this sura. I am learning that sometimes its not about what I think I am giving, or the work and time I think I am dedicating to something. It’s about what I am actually giving. It’s about what I am deciding to put first and what I am choosing to allow to distract me from What I claim is the most important thing to my heart and soul. And I feel that I am coming up short. No I know that I am coming up short. I have a decision to make. I have to choose to put first things first. If you want to memorize Quran, you have to put Quran first. And with my many adult responsibilities to maintain, that are necessary for others to exist and thrive, it is difficult to choose to put myself and my desire to please Allah before every other person or thing in my life. But I know that if I sincerely make the best choice everyday, Allah will carry me through.